The Fallen AngleJust a few questions to be answered through the passage of time. They say life can only be lived forward but understood backwards. 1. When will be the absolute last day of work for me (mandatory work, not optional volunteering work) 2. When will be actually cross 10M. 3. Will we hit 12M before 2030 comes along? (Around 4.5 years from now) 4. Will I actually stop having to countdown to a better tomorrow and savour the present. 5. Can png hit 700 words by 24 months and speak in sentences fluently in english at least, and hopefully mandarin. 6. Can png do basic addition by 24months, or at least understand quantity. 7. Will 2026 be a slowing down winding down year, where I only teach S4 - max 4 classes. Or will it be a 6 class schedule with khemistry s3 continuing, or will it be a full blown 8 classes yet again with geniehut restarting again? 8. Will I lose all the weight gained in dec 2024. 9. Will we return to korea this dec 2025? So many qns. Only time will tell. As of writing, tesla is around 230, NW ~ 3M. May want to entice my uncle to keep the 100k due next Jan by another 4-5 years. Comparing the reality today with what I blogged about in Jan.... What a world of contrast. Reality always seem less rosy. I dont know why, but I feel calmer than I would have expected..
The Fallen AngleHere we are, on the last day of January 2025. Yet another year has passed - 2024 has been written. As much as my heart may yearn to write regularly, a once a year update might be the sustainable long term frequency. On the whole - on an aggregate basis - 2024 has been rather kind (not perfect of course) - I have to admit, but the tragectory is a positive one. As per usual practice, I will be reflecting on my experience in 2024, justapoxing it against the aspirations, assumptions, worries and expectations set out at the start of 2024, answering the questions I may have had, since life can only be lived forward, but understood backwards. Here are some highlights of 2024: - Tesla opened at 24x, and closed at ~400. It went to a peak of 488 in Dec, largely due to the euhoria around Trumps' presidential election victory. Although the journey throughout the year was not as rosy as it appears. Tesla bottomed at 138 somewhere in april, and stayed around 200 for large parts of the year, only breaking out into the 300s and 400s in Nov/Dec. Definitely not an easy journey. Psychologically, it was tough even for battle hardened me. Many times, I contemplated throwing in the towel and investing in the index instead. Thankfully, I managed to get back into the stock before it brokeout. It is now an autonomy/energy/software/AI story. These have to materialise to support the valuation and to grow into a multi trillion dollar company as the narrative is suggesting. My hope was for tesla to close around 300. In that regard, reality overperformed and exceeded my expectation. 2025 is promising. Tesla expects over 50% yoy growth in energy after a more than doubling in 2024. Tesla will be releasing cheaper vehicles in 1H 2025. FSD unsupervised scheduled for June 2025 in limited locations. Promising indeed, but it will most likely be a while more before these are reflected as tangible and meaningful earninngs and profit. I am expecting flat to slight growth in car delivery in 2025. But really, the autonomy story / energy story is the needle mover. Tesla - being the very volatile stock - can easily break to the upside or not. My personal aspiration would be a 550 close at the end of 2025. Anything above 500, and I am satisfied. As much as I hope for a smooth year price action, I am also wary and weary of how low it can go. I hope the year's low stays well above 300, otherwise it will once again be difficult for the psyshic. Honestly, if Tesla can pull off unsupervised FSD in multiple states successfully, I think that would significantly push the stock price up - most optimistic but definitely within the realm of possible outcomes. As of writing, tesla is hovering around 390-400 (NW ~5.8M). I have also sold around 300k worth of tesla stocks to free up a cash reserve, in anticipation of a possible retirement next year. 300k should last 1.5-2 years, cushioning me from the volatile nature of the stock market, allowing me to enjoy my life as a retiree without worrying about having to sell more stock at undesirable prices. Little boy Atlas is now 15 months old. This past year has indeed brought about plentiful milestones. He can now walk, run, communicate non verbally, and somewhat verbally with a burgeoning expressive vocabulary of around 10 words. Receptive vocabulary wise, he is probably at around 70-100 words/pictures. We continue to prioritize his happiness, education (flash card, reading) and health (nutritious home cook food). May 2025 bring about more milestones, adventure and lots of laughter and love. Aspiration would be to have him speak in sentences by the end of the year (short sentences) and to understand basic arithmetic involving addition. I do not intend for him to go to school till he is 3 years old. He needs to be able to express himself well prior to attending school. He is a friendly and sociable boy. Dont think he is shy and introverted. Still contemplating whether it is necessary, worthwile to send him to a good school (Nan Hua Primary). I reiterate my desire to not have any more children. One is enough. Healthwise, both my wife and myself are still on biologics. She is on 9 week cycle and I am on 4 weeks. Progress for me has been great. The dorsal of my feet has healed well. I am 95-99% normal. For wife, it is less satisfactory, I would estimate her healing to be around 75-85%. Hopefully with proper rest and healthy diet and lifestyle, we can improve to 80-90%. Health is important - very important. Aspire to continue on an upward trajectory towards better health (Skin or not). Workwise, 2024 has been a definite improvement over 2023. In terms of efficiency, I work less. I only teach pure chem - no more combined chem (Fidelio), no more bio (sophia). I teach mainly group lessons. I earn more. It was still a busy year, especially the second half the year (where I had to prepare updated practical and revision materials). Earned around 150k. Went for a great holiday in korea for 3 weeks in dec as aspired (will talk more). Aspiration for 2025, is to further reduce workload to a minimum. I need to enjoy or at least find the pace and journey throughout the year manageable. I need to learn to enjoy the process, and not be fixated on the end of the journey before enjoying myself. I will do more facial, SPA, messages as indulgence for myself and wife. The aim is to get till August still feeling fine. Aim is to make another 150k (likely more), while working less. As of now, I am already able to earn 13k++ / 14k in Jan, so it broods well - financially. I have 8 classes at the moment. Am really thinking about retiring next year if tesla allows. One of the two things are likely to happen. 1. Continue with only S4 in 2026 (max of 3 classes) 2. Completely retire and travel in 2026 Will decide and inform Eric by May/June this year. In fact I have already told Russell that I will end in 202 after finishing up the S4 batch (Kha Leong and co). I really enjoyed the korean trip in Dec 2024. That freedom and autonomy, to do whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want. I miss those 3 weeks, where my to do list was empty. My phone calander was empty. Those late night walk alone in the streets of Korea. It was liberating. I love it. Really hope that I can make that a permanent fixture of my life. To travel freely - an aspiration I hope to turn into reality in 2026. If skin health continues to improve (I maintain 99%) and wife improves to 85% and beyond, little boy grows well. If tesla can stay above 500 and I do not make stupid trading mistakes that decrease wealth (Having 300k in cash should greatly reduce that probability). If I can further reduce my work committment either complete or semi retirement in 2026. I really hope to travel for another 3 weeks or even more (if I completely stop work). I really miss that feeling of freedom; complete and utter freedom from the constrains of time, work and societal obligations. Faith wise, I hope to contribute more via regular donation to the various organizations. I hope to attend church, I hope to purchase a portrait of Jesus and put it in the living room. I hope to baptize Atlas latest by 2026. I am learning korean right now.. wondering if I will stick to it by years end. Financially we should hit 10M when tesla hits around 700 barring any further trading mistakes. Will we see our first 8 figures in 2025? I feel there is a chance especially in the second half of 2025, should FSD really materials in an ideal manner. Otherwise it is more likely to happen in 2026. Finally, I hope to feel happier in 2025. I would rate 2024 a 7/10 (in part due to the surge in tesla price by years end). I would hope for 2025 to be a 8 and above, and for 2026 to be labelled as a year of excitement. Lets work towards simplying our life even further.
Been over a year since my last post. Would have liked to post more, but never had the time nor discipline to. The vicissitudes of life catches up with you sometimes. As I traverse into my 30s, I sincerely wish for life best years to lie ahead. Long may I maintain the discipline and commitment required to document the highs and lows of life in my 30s, for I am certainly going to look back at these posts with nostalgia for they basically outline snippets of my life - each snippet associated richly with varying emotions - some of which long forgotten were I not to keep them on record.
2023 was preceded by a calamitous 2022 - the year of reset and transition after multi year long normalcy. 2022 was the second worst year on record after 2013 - in my life - and may it remain so. 2023 in comparison with 2022, was meaningfully better. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights of 2023 in summary.
Highs:
- TSLA opened at 10x (Jan) , closed at 248 (Dec). (My target was 250)
- We welcomed a new baby to the family
- My health improved considerably (Ended the year 26 month withdrawal)
- I went back to work (Made an extra 50-60k)
Lows:
- My wife's health deteriorated post pregnancy (withdrawal doesnt seem to be working as well as per my initially fear)
- Overwhelming work commitments (Sophia, Russell, Eric, GenieHut, 1-1)
2023 was not a linear recovery upwards, though the net progress over the year was a substantial one. Replying to my previous post, I would say that 2023 was a V shape recovery for certain aspects. Generally not a bad year, with the exception of certain blights mainly the lows stated above. .
I would give 2023 a 5.5/10 and 2022 a 3/10. For reference, 2013 deserved a 1/10.
I view my life through the lens of these 3 tenets, these basic principles I aspire to incorporate into my life.
One - Health
Having experienced 2013 & 2022, I am unequivocal in my desire for good health. Good health is the foundation and pre-requisite, for which everything else is built upon. All things in life - aspirations, dreams and goals are conditional on first having a healthy body and mind. When one is in constant pain, agony or discomfort, it becomes near impossible to chase other desires and to build something out of life. 2023 has seen an improvement in my health. I was initially very optimistic and excited about my progress thus far (TSW 2.0), and what is to come. Until a certain flare hit me hard (Oct-Dec) (dorsal of feet). It could be due to the lack of proper rest from taking care of a newborn. This flare led to me making a big big decision to try out biologics - Dupixent. I am uncertain as to how it will pan out, but we shall see. I had some initial flares upon the loading dose, but we shall see. Fingers crossed, the effectiveness of this treatment will have a tremendous impact on the quality of my life and happiness, as health is my number one priority in life. I am unequivocal on that. I pray that my health can get to where I truly envisage it to be (95% clear). The increase in happiness - should that materialize, would be immense beyond description.
Unfortunately, my wife's withdrawal does not seem to be trending in the direction we wanted. Trimester 1 was wonderful skin wise. The period thereafter, through the postpartum period was progressively worse. We have thus also decided to try out the biologics regime. It ain't cheap, but if it is able to get her health up to a 95% clearance, then the money spent is definitely worth every single penny. We both embarked on our biologics regime at the end of December - within less than a week of each other. This is probably the biggest unknown in 2024. If things turn out well, it can really be a game changer for us - and definitely a catalyst to improving my happiness significantly. We shall see..
Two - Wealth
As cliche as it sounds, it is not the wealth that matters, but the lack of. Our wealth peaked in 2021, and since then we have been playing catch up. Uncertain when we will return to the peak and/or surpass it. 2020 and 2021 were remarkable years where our wealth increased multifold. It might have been the best years (% wise) in our lifetime. 2022 was a catastrophe. 2023 wasn't exactly a V shaped recovery, as we are still about halfway from our peak - but a significant recovery nonetheless. May 2024 continue to be a good year, as we progressively see our wealth climb up. I am not expecting us to return to our peak anytime soon (maybe 2026), but a 25% gain would be good.
TSLA - 280 to 300 (That would be a target personally). Honestly, I haven't felt this way before. But the volatility over the past 2 years has really drained me much. For the first time, I am considering selling out of this stock, and just buying less volatile and lower return equities (like QQQ). We shall see. I am just tired of delaying my gratification. I don't want to delay them indefinitely. I have dreams and aspirations. I am sick and tired of putting them on hold. I am tired of doing countdowns towards a better tomorrow. I want to make tomorrow happen today. Wealth does contribute rather significantly to my happiness too (after health). Let's see what 2024 brings in terms of wealth progression. Slow and steady wins it for me.
Three- Work life balance
The intensity of my work tend to oscillate between intense and negligible over the years. 2017-2019 were really intense years, 2022 was a complete lull similar to 2014. The second half of 2023 was yet another intense period (which I regretted undertaking). One of my resolution for 2024, is to significantly reduce my work commitments, and to take it easy. I am really no longer as driven by money as I used to. I now value free time and peace to do the things I want to do. To have an empty to do list and to just wonder my way around life. I have reduced the number of weekly lessons from 14 to 8/9.
This number should be further reduced to 0, as soon as possible. My current plan is to leave MLC/Khemistry in 2026. So 2025 should see me teach only the existing sec 4 students (at most). Or I could completely leave in 2025. We shall see. But I need my sanity and freedom back. The overwhelming work experience in the 2nd half of 2023 has scarred me. I am never ever going back to that sort of life again, if I can.
Let's take it slow, enjoy the process, and not start panting along the way, that kinda sucks. The arrival of a baby also meant that there is much adapting to do. The first 3 months were not easy despite the confinement centre experience (18K) delaying our pain for a month. We adapted and circumstance is better than it was 2 months ago. But we continue to press on. May baby start to sleep through the night soon. Looking forward to the many milestones 2024 will bring for baby. May he grow up healthy and happy. May I get my life back soon too. I understand that having a baby brings with it sacrifices, that is why I am not intending to have a second one. One baby is enough.
Looking forward to travelling in Dec 2024 - I really really hope that this time round, we would really make it happen. I will be genuinely disappointed if we are unable to travel in 2024. Lastly, I continue to work my way towards simplifying my life. In a world where excess and complexities are encouraged, I standout as a sore thumb - insisting on going the other way - aspiring to remove as much clutter, commitment and frivolous endeavor as possible. The simplicities of life, the peace of mind, and the empty to do list are what I strive towards. The ability to travel anywhere, however long I want, without the constrains of work and schedule, remains my number one aspiration. May this year be a year where I make significant progress towards this long standing dream of mind.
May 2024 be a better year than 2023.
Quarter 4 (Aug 22, Sept 22, Oct 22):
Quarter 4 has on a whole been good. My skin is generally calmer. There were still ups and downs, but they average 1 week in duration. I do get prickly before and during these downtime, but overall, the intensity was so much more subdued than before. I even went twice to JB (day trips). Unfortunately, November hasn't started well. I am currently in a flare as I type this. Worst areas would be back of scrotum, fingers and arm flexure. Face and back of knee has also been a little worst than normal recently. Really hope that this dip will not last long, and will come to pass soon. At the one year mark, I feel like I am no where near where I want to be, or envisage myself to be. This is definitely not the normalize state of health and skin. I am at most in the 60% ++ recovery (adjusting for this current flare). I really hope to reach at least 70% by Jan 2023. Frankly speaking, the me one year ago, would probably have expected more healing by this stage of my TSW journey. It seems once again that I have underestimated the duration and severity of the issue. Healing takes time. One more year maybe? Dejavu much ><.
2022 has really been a challenging year. I would and could have never expected this curveball of a year. Seeing peers progress in life, only to feel left behind on the sideline once again. I would very much like to travel around the world in peace. 2022 has been a tough year, punctuated with frustration, despair, hopelessness and sadness. I really hope that 2023 will be better. If 2022 parallels 2013, then I am okay with 2023 paralleling 2014 (with a bit of a discount). I wrote in an earlier post (probably early this year) that 2022 will be a transitory year, and 2023 shall be THE year. It feels more like a case of over optimism, similar to my flawed projection back in 2013, projecting 2014 to be THE year. I rather be late, than wrong. 2014 - while not yet THE year - was much better than 2013, at least in the latter part of the year. 2015 did turn out to be THE year.
If history were to rhyme, then I am more than happy to be late but not wrong. I am now prognosticating that the first half of 2023 will be better than even the second half of 2022, and that the second half of 2023 will be so much better than the first half of 2023. 2024 will be THE year - both for wealth and health and relationships.
It's has been 12 months into this journey 2.0. May I be much much better in 12 months time. Keep the faith. Just turned 30. I truly believe that life's best moments lie ahead. May I look back at my 30s with fond memories, and being able to confidently say that I have lived life to the fullest.
Stay patient Eugene, keep doing the right things day in day out. It will pay. Trust in the Lord.
It's tough though. As of right now, I am not happy.
May this be a passing phase and it too shall pass.
Sometimes in life. You don't get what you want. The life I envisaged 4 years ago in 2019 isn't what it is today. The life I envisaged 1 year ago, isn't what it is today. At the present moment, I have an abundance of time and money, but not the health to spend them. There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't do them. It has been a frustrating year, really. 2022 hasn't been easy, and I truly hope that the worst is over, that the bottom is in, and that is is upward from here on. So many things are outside of my control, and it is difficult to acknowledge that. It is difficult to acknowledge that sometimes trying one's best is not sufficient. Sometimes, a phase of life is there to be traversed. We just have to go through it - no shortcuts. I really hope that we will be in a much much much better place in a year's time. If time will do its job, then that fact is in itself a beacon of great hope, one that I will fervently hold on to. I really am not in a place where I would like to be. May this transitory period come to pass real soon. I look forward to Jan 2024 for I believe that we will be in a significantly happier place then.
Till then, stay strong and hopeful. It won't rain forever. Better days will eventually come.
Just wanted to document all the happenings over the past few months before my memory begins to fail me, and I gradually forget details of what transpired. I would divide my experience thus far, into quarters - similar to how they report financial data for most publicly listed companies. My journey started on the 2nd Nov 2021, so the first quarter spans Nov 21 - Jan 22.
Quarter 1 (Nov 21, Dec 21, Jan 22): My symptoms started immediately upon cessation of the creams. Affected mainly my face and some parts of body. It was a truly unpleasant experience, as I once again had to experience what sick skin feels like, It has been after all many years since I last battled with this condition. It was ground zero, and I was back to the past. The flare lasted about 10 days ++ (My first major flare). I healed up pretty nicely, in time to return back to school, for the final 2 weeks of the year, before the academic year ended. I remembered returning to school as though the first flare did not happen. December was alright, but towards the end of the month, my symptoms were clearly worsening and before long, I was already in my second major flare. January 2022 was the worst period of this withdrawal thus far, period. The intensity and duration of the flare superseded the previous one. I was flaring throughout my body and face. It was tough, and I was once again thrown into the pits of despair. It really wasn't easy, even on hindsight. I braved through it, and by the end of January, the worst was over. Quarter 1 was definitely not an easy quarter. It is like being thrown into a freezing pool, after years of soaking in the warm cozy jacuzzi. On hindsight, it was the toughest to date, and hopefully will remain the toughest quarter moving forward.
Quarter 2 (Feb 22, Mar 21, Apr 22): I continued to heal in the first half of February, and by the second half of February, I would say that my skin has, once again, healed up pretty nicely. The distinct periods of flare and respite that was characteristic of my first withdrawal about a decade ago - hitherto - fitted the pattern I was experiencing. I felt reassured. Skin started deteriorating in March and April. But on hindsight, those months would constitute relatively "good" months. Quarter 2 was significantly better than the previous quarter. Rightfully so, given the nadir that Q1 was. As of today, Q2 remains the best quarter to date. Hopefully that would change soon.
Quarter 3 (May 22, Jun 22, Jul 22): Why was it only on hindsight that I found March and April to be relatively good months? Well, because May, June and July were much worst. That 3 month period felt like a slow roast in the oven. I wasn't experiencing the acute intensity of the first 2 flares - which were comparatively short-lived by the way - instead, it was the constant, never ending agony of being slowly roasted. For 3 months, I never had a respite lasting for more than a week. I had a short break in early May, early June, early July, each lasting less than 7 days. It was like a bear market rally, short-lived and non-substantial. It invariably brought me hope. Hope that the flare is finally over, and a respite is here. Unfortunately, that wasn't to be. Outside of these short breaks, skin continued to deteriorate and maintained in a bad state. Worst affect areas were armpits, shoulders, abdomen, arm flexures and even torso and chest. It was another tough quarter. Towards the end of July, things went further downhill. But thankfully, it lasted around a week, and early august, things picked up, and my skin did heal up pretty nicely for a while before dipping a little.
Quarter 4 (Aug 22, Sept 22, Oct 22): August has been characterized by episodes of dips and healing, each lasting around a week or so. I am currently going through a dip as I type this out. Hopeful that this dip won't last too long, and wont be too bad. May I get better in time for the 2 gatherings I will be having in September. I am unsure how Q4 will pan out. But I truly hope to document positive things. Fingers crossed.
Few more days to the 10th month mark. Will I get to a comfortable and stable place by the 16month? I really hope so.
In about 2 weeks time, my withdrawal journey 2.0, will have reached the 9 month mark. The past three months (April, May, June, July) hasn't been easy really. If the raging inferno phase has passed, then I am seemingly mired in the smoldering ember phase. I remember vividly - during my first withdrawal almost 10 years ago - how during the first 8 months or so, I had 3 rages. All 3 rages were characterized by distinct flares and recovery. I then had a meaningful respite of around 4-5 months. Following the respite, my experience started to diverge in that - while I was no longer experiencing rages, I was also not experiencing that remarkable post rage recovery. I become stucked in a protracted mild grade inflammation phase, where the highs and the lows were no longer as distinct as they used to be. To be clear, I wasn't comfortable, but I wasn't in a state of wreck either. I was just constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. It was not an easy experience, as I could hardly take a breather as my respite were never really meaningfully long. I termed this phase, the smoldering ember phase. It lasted around 6-7 months, before the worst was finally over. It was around 20 months, before I reached this stage, where I was on the last bend towards recovery.
I have been thinking a lot recently. Replaying the experience of my first withdrawal journey almost a decade ago. I am trying to draw parallels with my current predicament. I truly believe that I am doing this, to keep my sanity and to stay motivated. Like a long distancing race - after having traverse a fair amount of ground but still no where near the finishing line - every single step feels really tough. Approaching the 9 month mark, I feel so far from where I want to be. So far from where I used to be between 2015-2021. Despite my best efforts to - using datapoints from previous experience - infer and predict my current trajectory, the prognosis is unclear. I have had 2 distinct flares and meaningful recovery thus far. But since April 2022, I seemed to have switch course, and entered into the smoldering ember phase. In the past 3 months or so, I feel like I am in a constant state of "not good" and "seemingly quite bad", but "not a rage". My recoveries are no longer that meaningful. I had one in early June (lasted less than a week). I had another one in early/Mid July (Lasted even shorter). It is honestly very tiring and disparaging, especially so when I am not 100% certain that it is a withdrawal I am going through, as the creams I applied on 2021 were not exactly steroids.
The areas most affected this time round would be the abdomen, armpits, shoulders and apparently arm flexures hasn't been good the past few months - have been persistently red, flaky, rough and itchy. Unlike the previous experience, where the flakiness stage that proceeds a flare, often lead to smooth underlying white skin. But this time around, it seems to be red flaky instead. I really do not know how long more will this rut last. I earnestly pray that I am indeed on the right path to healing. I will never know till a later time. It previously took me around 20months (by Nov 2014) to reach a stage (80-85% healed) where life resumed some semblance of normalcy, and where the default state of my skin is calm. I still experienced flares from time to time past this stage, but they are manageable and most importantly - infrequent and lasting only weeks each time at most. I understand that getting to 100% healed may be unlikely, as progress tends towards an asymptote nearing completion. But I hope to reach the 80-85% mark soon. It is hard to be living life at my current state (55-60%).
Given the nature and duration of my steroid usage this time, expecting a faster resolution shouldn't be an unreasonable ask - I guess? I will never know. Time will tell. If I follow a similar timeline to my previous experience, I would reach the 20th Month mark in June/July 2023. That sounds sooooo faraway. May my journey be an expeditious one. I will take any discount from June/July 2023. I need hope to carry on this journey. The callous pounding is really wearing me out. I am beginning to feel the emptiness I felt back in the first half of 2014.
I am looking ahead to 2023 and beyond, where life should be - hopefully - meaningfully better. I would very much love to travel to Japan if not for my current predicament. I am trapped in my body and I don't like this. Not at all. I am sad, frustrated, defeated, discouraged. Been thinking about my dream life a lot recently. Been browsing through propertyguru. I am considering buying a nice penthouse with a private swimming pool. The life I want to live, is a life of freedom and autonomy to do the things I want to do. But I first need a clean bill of health. When will I get it back. Life as it stands - is rather meaningless.
To better days.