My grandmother, my beloved, most beloved grandmother has passed away. My only pillar in life has crumbled. Its existence has ceased; defunct. 

There will no longer be any extension to the beautiful memories I have had with her over the past twenty one years. Its ends here. A very beautiful chapter of my life has ended. It feels so surreal to have to accept this fact. The fact that she is gone. Gone from my life. She is no longer present in my life nor will she be a part of my future.
When I was younger - up until in my secondary school days -  I always look forward eagerly to the arrival of the holidays, as I can only stay over with my grandmother during the holidays. Those days - the happiest days of my life - are now but fond memories. Memories that become painful to recall. The fonder, the sadder. The daily commute with her to Toa Payoh, for her morning exercise with her group of friends. I always shiver during the bus trip as it was so early in the morning, but I enjoyed it. Having breakfast with her, going to the market with her. Having 'tea breaks' with her. She had a habit of having tea and some light snacks in the late afternoon. Cooking with her in the kitchen. Sleeping with her at night. The occasional excursion trip with her. Her love for me was more than I can ever ask for. Sometimes I wonder if there ever will be someone that will love me as much. Or would make me love her as much. 

As I grow older, the frequency of my stayover with her gradually decrease. But what started out as a phone call to her whenever I returned home after a holiday for I miss her, turned into a habit. It became routine to give her a call at particular hours of the day, at times more than 4 times a day. I made it a point to visit her at least once a month, and stay over whenever I can. I am someone that bottles up my feelings and keep things to myself. Pouring my woes out to anyone, bar my grandmother, made me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I was comfortable with her. I could make fun of myself and her, without feeling embarrassed. She became my listening ear. My motivation. The reason I work so hard. My dearest kin. Whenever I feel lonely or bored, I will give her a call. I will chat with her. I will tease her. I will talk rubbish with her. Whenever I feel down or sad, she will always be there for be. Whether or not I share my problems with her, I know she is always there, always willing to hear my problems or listen to me. The thought of her never fail to cheer me up. The second half of 2011 was a tough time for me. It was her that I pulled through.

For the past twenty one years, my life revolved around her. She is my life. I have so much memories with her. Memory of her sending me into Pulau Tekong to begin life as a soldier. Memory of me complaining to her about the tough life in the army. All this memories used to evoke a safe sense of love in her presence. Now, I feel an empty void. I feel agony, anguish and pain. Her departure left a chasm in my life. A chasm so wide, so deep, I do not know if it can be filled. I do not know if my life can ever be the same again. All I know is that she has left me, and will never come back. A fact written in stone that I have yet to fully accept. Lord Jesus, my only consolation is that she died a Roman Catholic. I really do not know if she died a believer. I offer up to you my doubts, pain, anguish, agony and grief. May you take them away and in return fill me with your love, peace and comfort. I want to feel your presence. I want to trust in you fully. I want to live my faith and not my sight. I want to believe that my grandmother, my most beloved, has gone back to the Father. That she is residing in your heavenly kingdom. She is experiencing infinite bliss, peace and most of all, your holy presence and love. 

亲爱的婆婆我爱妮。 等那一天我们会在次会合。