2013 - A truly bad year

2013 has been a wretched year for me. I started with my withdrawal on the 22nd February 2013. And for the next 8 months, I struggled badly with TSW. At its mildest, I functioned almost like a normal person. I even went to work between April and June. But the whimsical nature of this withdrawal means that at any moment, the ugly head of TSW will turn around to confront - nary a warning. I suffered badly. At its worst, I was thrusted into the deepest pit of despair. Wallowing about the mire, there was scarcely, if any hope. Thoughts of throwing in and giving up surfaced. Doubts began its slow descend onto me. I began scrutinizing the decision I made and wondered if I had got it all wrong. Things eventually improved and by late October, the worst was clearly over.

Just when the light at the end became discernible, my world had to crumble. My grandmother passes away. My dearest kin, the women I loved the most. My friend, motivation, emotional dependence, listening ear, companion, my everything was gone - all so suddenly. I knew that I had spent little time with her that year due to my skin and was already planning on spending a lot more time with her in 2014. I was looking forward to the days ahead. Every single day into this withdrawal was one day closer to recovery. The number of days became of great significance to me as they bring me hope. The hope of once again seeing her and spending quality time with her. I did not visit her for over 3 months. She wanted to visit me some time in August, but I turned down her request, as I was in a messed back then and did not want her to see me in such a state. She never will visit me again. My life has been so profoundly changed by this loss. Things will never be the same again.

To all skin warriors out there. Whatever the phase of this journey you may be in right now, suffering is but a common denomination. Do not deprive your family and friends of the desire to visit you, if they genuinely would like to. Do not shut yourself up and lock yourself in. Open up to them if they want to talk to you. I understand that you may be feeling down and do not wish for any visit. You may not wish to talk about your predicament. But remember that for those who truly love you, the double blow of seeing you in this state and yet unable to do anything to relief your pain is more than what you are going through. Having experienced for myself the pain I felt when my grandmother was suffering in the hospital - while I helpless - I cannot imagine the pain I would have to bear had she not allowed me to be by her side, for fear of getting me hurt. I would be devastated.

Treasure those whom you love and who love you. DO not be distracted by affairs of this world. Do not let materialistic pursuits lead you away from the things that really matter in life. Human relationship is the only thing that will last. Everything else is but temporary. The sense of achievement and satisfaction of success will mean nothing if out loves ones aren't there to share the joy with us.

2013 has been truly a nightmarish year for me. It might have been a bad year for many, especially fellow skin warriors. but regardless of what is to come along this journey of uncertainties, one thing is certain. At the background of all our busy lives lie a group of people. They may not be occupying the central stage. They may not even be in the foreground. But we know that they will always be there, whatever happens.

A new year begins with resolutions. Make pushing them into your central stage one of them.

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When life's great journey end and day is done, then may our eyes behold your Holy One."