In about 2 weeks time, my withdrawal journey 2.0, will have reached the 9 month mark. The past three months (April, May, June, July) hasn't been easy really. If the raging inferno phase has passed, then I am seemingly mired in the smoldering ember phase. I remember vividly - during my first withdrawal almost 10 years ago - how during the first 8 months or so, I had 3 rages. All 3 rages were characterized by distinct flares and recovery. I then had a meaningful respite of around 4-5 months. Following the respite, my experience started to diverge in that - while I was no longer experiencing rages, I was also not experiencing that remarkable post rage recovery. I become stucked in a protracted mild grade inflammation phase, where the highs and the lows were no longer as distinct as they used to be. To be clear, I wasn't comfortable, but I wasn't in a state of wreck either. I was just constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. It was not an easy experience, as I could hardly take a breather as my respite were never really meaningfully long. I termed this phase, the smoldering ember phase. It lasted around 6-7 months, before the worst was finally over. It was around 20 months, before I reached this stage, where I was on the last bend towards recovery.

I have been thinking a lot recently. Replaying the experience of my first withdrawal journey almost a decade ago. I am trying to draw parallels with my current predicament. I truly believe that I am doing this, to keep my sanity and to stay motivated. Like a long distancing race - after having traverse a fair amount of ground but still no where near the finishing line - every single step feels really tough. Approaching the 9 month mark, I feel so far from where I want to be. So far from where I used to be between 2015-2021. Despite my best efforts to - using datapoints from previous experience - infer and predict my current trajectory, the prognosis is unclear. I have had 2 distinct flares and meaningful recovery thus far. But since April 2022, I seemed to have switch course, and entered into the smoldering ember phase. In the past 3 months or so, I feel like I am in a constant state of "not good" and "seemingly quite bad", but "not a rage". My recoveries are no longer that meaningful. I had one in early June (lasted less than a week). I had another one in early/Mid July (Lasted even shorter). It is honestly very tiring and disparaging, especially so when I am not 100% certain that it is a withdrawal I am going through, as the creams I applied on 2021 were not exactly steroids. 

The areas most affected this time round would be the abdomen, armpits, shoulders and apparently arm flexures hasn't been good the past few months - have been persistently red, flaky, rough and itchy. Unlike the previous experience, where the flakiness stage that proceeds a flare, often lead to smooth underlying white skin. But this time around, it seems to be red flaky instead. I really do not know how long more will this rut last. I earnestly pray that I am indeed on the right path to healing. I will never know till a later time. It previously took me around 20months (by Nov 2014) to reach a stage (80-85% healed) where life resumed some semblance of normalcy, and where the default state of my skin is calm. I still experienced flares from time to time past this stage, but they are manageable and most importantly - infrequent and lasting only weeks each time at most. I understand that getting to 100% healed may be unlikely, as progress tends towards an asymptote nearing completion. But I hope to reach the 80-85% mark soon. It is hard to be living life at my current state (55-60%).

Given the nature and duration of my steroid usage this time, expecting a faster resolution shouldn't be an unreasonable ask - I guess? I will never know. Time will tell. If I follow a similar timeline to my previous experience, I would reach the 20th Month mark in June/July 2023. That sounds sooooo faraway. May my journey be an expeditious one. I will take any discount from June/July 2023. I need hope to carry on this journey. The callous pounding is really wearing me out. I am beginning to feel the emptiness I felt back in the first half of 2014.

I am looking ahead to 2023 and beyond, where life should be - hopefully - meaningfully better. I would very much love to travel to Japan if not for my current predicament. I am trapped in my body and I don't like this. Not at all. I am sad, frustrated, defeated, discouraged. Been thinking about my dream life a lot recently. Been browsing through propertyguru. I am considering buying a nice penthouse with a private swimming pool. The life I want to live, is a life of freedom and autonomy to do the things I want to do. But I first need a clean bill of health. When will I get it back. Life as it stands - is rather meaningless.

To better days.